If anyone has any interest in more inside perspective, it can be found here - but it's over blabbery, and not that useful, so be prepared. I hope I won't have to write anything more about that here, and sorry, I won't be partaking in discussions. Please understand.
I have never ever in my life thought I will become a murderer. I always thought human life is precious. But here I am, stacking on explosive components, because… what else?! I still believe my marriage vows and marriage responsibilities are top priority, and my partner is the one I should take care about the most. How do you throw that away??? I don’t have the answers!!! My partner was doing fairly well, even with all the stress, and shakes, and breakdowns, it is still fairly well, regarding the whole situation. But because of the explosives, and the upcoming perspectives, my partner just starts to look… dead. Like I’ve already murdered us both. I can see it in the eyes, in everything. I guess that’s where I went wrong in life - i became too important for someone, and that someone became too important for me, so i cannot even radicalize and wreak havoc properly.
I am so happy my sister was able to get out, but I am so sad I probably won’t see her ever again. I feel nothing on the fact my father gave up to Putin’s propaganda - this place on the map of thought just feels numb. Overall, I feel that my life is over, and I feel that’s a fact; if there was another route, it feels like it’s gone now; the presence of the explosives is overwhelming; it’s heavy, even when I don’t look at that part of the room. It’s like it has its own gravity center, or something. It makes me want to vomit; but then again, it might be some life-preserving instincts getting in conflict with the content of my life.
I am writing it all here because, I guess, I needed some place to say stuff. Chrono is safe because it is the platform nobody will be looking for. I cannot allow myself any form of public speech, even in Telegram, because if what feels like it is inevitable at this point actually happens, I don’t want anything to trail back to my partner, or any good people whom I know and who still live in Russia, in any way. Even now I still look for any form of other solution; the thing is, non-violent protest is useless as you just get arrested at spot and that’s it; it’s pain for relatives, friends, family with no gain, and this is a lot of extra work for volunteers who are already past the limit of their capabilities right now. And a violent protest will only have any influence if there’s a considerable amount of violence; even then, it won’t amount to anything - they’ll brush it off, maybe enter the troops, and be done with it. That’s because me, and certain other people… we didn’t do right in this life. I was learning languages, drawing, coding, playing videogames - and what I should have been doing is getting a gun license, learning firearm attack tactics, learning to deal with explosives. Everything I believed in turned out to be wrong.
Even as of now, my brain continues to search for alternative solutions. If there are none, I will be deleting this post at least a couple of days before I go, and format the hard drive. And if there will be a copy archived, please do not repost it anywhere, as it may potentially harm people I care about just by the matter of association. I am still searching for other ways; I just don’t see them, and this is the last resort, nothing else. I still feel disgust towards violence. And I don’t want to bring woe to my partner, or my parents, or my brother and sister, but… what can I do.
I always hated the historical periods that are just bloodbaths and nothing else, as I thought many of the deaths were useless, and amounted to nothing, and as they didn’t affect the events, not really, they could just as well be avoided, but they couldn’t, because of reasons that cannot be excused. I still feel this way, but now I feel that sometimes it is just how things turn out. Everybody else has to be strong, get together, overcome the hard times and move on; some people will become legends and move history forward; but there are always people who are just “destined” to become bloody puddles. The meaningless red background that affects nothing, but makes everything a bit more colorful. It just happens.
“It’s not bad, once you stop feeling sorry for yourself because you’re just a pig, or, even worse, a pig infested with maggots. Someone has to be a pig infested with maggots, right? It might as well be you. It’s the luck of the draw. You play the hand you’re dealt.”
Please understand that I am not trying to start any kind of discussion here. Chances are, I won’t be reading any answers because I am far past mental capacity for anything. Even though I accepted that my life is over, it still hurts, please understand and show mercy, I cannot engage in long communication sessions regarding this topic. If you are supporting Ukraine, you are super awesome. Please consider supporting Russian Revolution as well, on any platform. Actively calling russians to rebel, because the government is already actively hunting and killing us, and when the death sentence becomes legal again, they will do so in the open. It is not like they didn’t do this all these years. It’s not like in other countries, where death sentenses can take many years to happen, the process will be conveyored fast. Actively stating support to Russian people who fight over oppression, and those who fight against propaganda. Please consider showing your support to the rebellion; it gives great morale boost; even Zelenskyy does that. Please consider that as platforming statements and opinions is important, and because of how dangerous it became to stand any kind of personal opinion in Russia, many russians feel extremely isolated right now, and it makes brain work in a strange manner, and rips off any sense of objective perspective. If it doesn’t put you to risk, please show some support, as it might save some lives, or bring more people together to rebel. Or don’t do that, that is okay too, as it is cool to live freely and do what you feel is right unapologetically. You are cool as well.
Anyways, thanks for coming to my TedTalk, i’m off to Hell.