YOU’RE IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING
The bridge of the alien ship is not a comforting place for humans. Maybe it’s better to say it’s simply “a lot for somebody to take in”, but however you slice it, their commander stands in the center of the hot wet bridge, and in the dark red lighting, he waits as the opera unfolds. “Commander, incoming transmission on the main channel.”
“Onscreen.” His voice is like trying to cut a tin sheet with a hand saw. The membranous film stretched across the biomechanical portal hums to life, and the enemy commander appears before him. It’s a seventeen year old high school student from Pasadena, California called Tony James. He forgot to put on his outside clothes so he’s just wearing a pink t-shirt that says “Hamtaro!” across the front.
“Well met, commander. You are far outside of your own jurisdiction. Why have you entered the realm of the Snakemen?” The commander smiles politely, but with a sinister essence, and licks his whole eyeball with his tongue in less than one second.
“Uhhhhh, hey. The name’s Tony, I’m a human. I’m the only one here who’s actually real so I figure it’s only fair to let you know that you and the rest of your Snakemen are in the way of my conquest of the galaxy, and unless you simply surrender peacefully, the Bongwater Syndicate will have to vaporize you where you stand.” He takes a big spoonful of Honey Oh! cereal into his mouth and crunches it with his whole jaw muscle.
“How dare you speak to us this way. The Snakemen have controlled this sector for hundreds of your Earth centuries. We are an ancient civilization, not some…monkey mistake. We shall outlast you, Tonyjames.” He signals the weapons officer with a hand motion that’s not picked up on camera. The Snakeman bares his long white fangs and nods.
“Listen, uhhh, Snakey, I’ve only been playing this for like 20 hours, my civilization didn’t exist before then, and we’ve already burnt two other fleets away into nothing before my Best Buy interview in a couple hours, so let’s get this over with. If you think I can’t see your weapons system powering up, you must be-”. A mild laser blast rocks Tony’s ship. “You shouldn’t have done that commander…all craft, fire on target.”
“Destroy me if you must, commander, the Snakemen are legion. Cutting off the head of a snake means nothing when the body is just made of a bunch of smaller sna-” His entire existence was wiped out by the biggest missile anyone had ever seen.
“What can I say? It pays to invest in the good technology. Anyone want anything from In-N-Out? I’m going in a bit. Oh wait, I’m just talking to myself in my room now, aren’t I? Okay, cool cool cool…maybe a break will do me some good. This shizz is ENGROSSING.” He gets up from his computer, and gives one last look at the domination of the Snakemen before heading back out into the regular old world and some very delicious burgers and fries.